BRUSSELS — For most Europeans, almost nothing is more prized than their four to six weeks of guaranteed annual vacation leave. But it was not clear just how sacrosanct that time off was until Thursday, when Europe’s highest court ruled that workers who happened to get sick on vacation were legally entitled to take another vacation.
“The purpose of entitlement to paid annual leave is to enable the worker to rest and enjoy a period of relaxation and leisure,” the Court of Justice of the European Union, based in Luxembourg, ruled in a case involving department store workers in Spain. “The purpose of entitlement to sick leave is different, since it enables a worker to recover from an illness that has caused him to be unfit for work.”
This is 100% perfect internet.
Also, since I felt like tagging this as advice: do NOT say this to someone who seriously may stab you.
ARLINGTON, VA—Software developer Rosetta Stone announced Thursday the launch of a new three-CD-ROM Hungarian language program, the first disk of which is dedicated entirely to urging users to reconsider learning Hungarian. “Think really hard for one second: Do you really want to be doing this? Hungarian? Really?” asks the instructional software, which subsequently reminds users that the Hungarian language contains a 44-letter alphabet, with each noun having 17 different forms. “Seriously, it’s not too late to learn Spanish, French, or even German, all of which are really much more useful languages in pretty much any context. Why are you doing this?” The program’s second disk reportedly begins with an audible sigh followed by the words “All right, fine. Your funeral.”
AUSTIN, TX—A major existential breakthrough was averted Friday when, moments before he had a realization of monumental personal significance, 29-year-old local resident Darrell Gatsas instead turned to God. “He was so, so close to discovering something truly fundamental about himself and his place in the universe, but nope—he went with God,” close friend Peter Rankin, 27, said. “For a second there it seemed like he was going to seriously consider the cause-and-effect relationship of his own actions and elevate himself to a new level of compassion and understanding, but then he suddenly changed course and asked God to swoop in and fix everything.” Reached for comment, God chuckled to reporters that Gatsas is, indeed, a real piece of work.
Take a walk through this beautiful home that is in no way inhabitated by the spirits of the dead, and you’ll notice features like its three spacious bedrooms whose previous occupants were definitely not shot to death while they slept, walls that never bleed or moan incoherently, and a beautiful spiral staircase that totally doesn’t tremble under the heavy, supernatural bootsteps of a vengeful ghost every morning at 4 a.m. The asking price is $300,000, but we’ll give you 500 bucks just to spend one night.
“Don’t Listen Here” by Josh Gross
You can spend $45 to go see Nickelback this week.
Or you could buy 45 hammers from the dollar store, hang them from the ceiling at eye level and spend an evening banging the demons out of your dome.
That $45 would also buy you a lot of pickles, which have more fans on Facebook than the band. It would also buy you an introduction to rock guitar video course that would allow you to surpass the bands skill level in five hours or less.
$45 is also enough to see Men in Black III five times, buy a dozen Big Macs, do 10 loads of laundry or so many other experiences as banal and meaningless as seeing Nickelback but that come without having to actually hear Nickelback.
But if you must, the band is playing the Idaho Center on Wednesday, June 13, at 6 p.m. Tickets start at $45.
Living vicariously through other writers.. I cannot help but love this piece.
According to Reddit, some guy designed these bizarrely hilarious decoy covers to keep people from stealing his magazines. We had no idea magazine theft required such desperate measures, but if that’s the case, keep it up, US Weekly bandits. Our only question is, if these are all phony, how do you explain our uninterrupted 20-year subscription to Cockhandler Magazine?
The above was my favorite. Check out the link for more cleverness 🙂
If I was that cop, I would be BEYOND flattered. Read the story below. Definitely worth it.
Sometimes I’ll think, “How sad for Canada that Bryan Adams is their Springsteen,” but then I remember I don’t have health insurance.