Attention cat people. There’s a burgeoning theory around the internet that begs reckoning. It’s not the theory that parasites in cat poop are turning you into crazy cat ladies, though that’s certainly cause for alarm. It’s much worse than that.
Domestic house cats, it seems, may be alien sentinels—sent to spy on us and report their findings back to the mother ship. Or, as some theorists have put it, they’re like alien camcorders tracking our every move.
Well, maybe. We humans love our conspiracy theories, and there’s a decent chance this is just another among them. As a poll published just yesterday reveals, 51 percent of Americans believe the JFK assassination was a conspiracy; 15 percent believe “the government or the media adds mind-controlling technology to TV broadcast signals”; and 4 percent believe reptilian shapeshifters control the government.
It’s impossible to know just how pervasive cats-as-alien spies theory is without an adequate polling apparatus (if you have one, please get in touch). One guesses it’s fairly low. Then again, 4 percent is much higher than one might have expected for the lizard people theory, and, according to the same poll, some 29 percent of Americans believe aliens exist and 14 percent believe in Bigfoot, so who knows?
As with most conspiracy theories, the cats-as-alien-spies theory is surprisingly well-developed—and based on a few kernels of truth and genuine ambiguity. How much? Motherboard decided to take a look at some of the supporting premises, one-by-one. A user who goes by the moniker “RedSpider” summarizes the prevailing wisdom in a handy list on the British tech message board, Digital Kaos. I’ve appropriated his/her list here (lightly edited for style and clarity), with the original points bolded.
Examine the evidence and decide for yourself…
We really do need this couch..
Mark Twain once remarked, “while the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads derive from cats.” But was he joking? Redheads and cats share the same myths about being witches and spawn of the devil. But there aren’t many YouTube videos of redheads playing the piano. So, this myth is busted (probably).
My sleeping pattern claims this is true.
or dead groundhog hogging ground.. burial ground.. something something.. I’m tired.
Punxsutawney Phil indicted for false informing
The indictment, filed by Butler County Prosecuting Attorney Michael Gmoser, alleges that on or about February 02, 2013, at Gobbler’s Knob, Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with
prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that Spring would come early.
What’s in store now for Phil? Pending an extradition hearing, Gmoser says it’s curtains for the little guy, suggesting that the penance for such a misrepresentation should be the death penalty.
“Since he’s already serving a life sentence behind bars, as you know. There wasn’t much left as far as a penalty other than a death sentence,” added Gmoser.
It’s really, really weird that more people don’t do this. BTW, that guy should start his own company.