your hair is not that bad, girl

via 10 Retro Ads That Made Women Look Like Complete Idiots.


Florida Man on Twitter

Screen shot 2013-02-25 at 10.10.01 PM

This Twitter is brilliant. It just scoops up real crime articles that have “Florida Man” present in the title. SO GOOD.

Some choice examples:

Florida Man Traps Ex-Girlfriend’s Mother Into A Fold-Out Couch | http://bit.ly/fJPLwo

Florida Man Threatens Neighbor With Chainsaw He Can’t Start | http://bit.ly/UskBe0

Florida Man Slapped With Warning After Riding Dying Sperm Whale | http://bit.ly/12WT6Pf

High On Synthetic Weed, Florida Man Calls 911 Twice To Report That His Dreams Are Real | http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2012-09-04/news/os-man-calls-911-dreams-drugs-20120904_1_dispatcher-synthetic-marijuana-dream …

all via Florida Man _FloridaMan on Twitter.


U-S-eh

Will the U.S. catch up with the rest of the world during President Obama’s second term? Advocates are working to get a national law passed while some states are expanding family leave policies, the Atlantic reports. See a new White House petition here. In the meantime, certain companies understand that keeping new parents happy makes more sense than replacing them, which generally costs somewhere between 50 and 200 percent of a worker’s salary. When Google lengthened its maternity leave from three months to five and made it fully paid, new-mom attrition fell by half.

 

via Paid Parental Leave: U.S. vs. The World (INFOGRAPHIC).

 


MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

McSweeney’s: I’m a Social Media Community Manager!

BY

– – – –

I always knew I’d be successful. Yep, just out of college and I’ve got my first job, and what a job it is: I’m a Social Media Community Manager for a B2B SaaS company.

What is a Social Media Community Manager? Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of how hip my job is. I’m responsible for engaging current and prospective customers via social media channels, building a strong community around our brand, analyzing relevant metrics, SEO management—you name it, I do it.

I spend all day on Facebook, writing blogs, chatting up customers, whatever I need to do to ensure maximum ROI for our company; basically playing around on the internet. It’s pretty much every college kid’s dream job so I—oh god, I can’t do this anymore.

What have I become?

It’s too unbearable, I’m sorry. Yesterday I went to sleep and dreamed about inbound-lead generation via LinkedIn. I woke up wallowing in the dark depths of the severe depression that has overtaken my life. I never wanted to be a Social Media Community Manager. I wanted to be a fireman, or a policeman, or anything! I just want to be a real person again.

84% of B2B buyers said word of mouth recommendations are the most important factor in purchasing decisions. Oh god, I can’t stop. I’m sorry. The impersonality of it all!

I wrote a guest post for a high-profile social media blog yesterday. It got 200 shares on Facebook, and yet I felt nothing. Do they like the brand or me? I can’t even tell anymore. My social profiles are so integrated into the fabric of the company that I look in the mirror and all I see is the dashboard of Google Analytics—oh look! Our referral traffic from Facebook is up 30% this month!

No! Stop! I’m not looking for a higher CTR or increased engagement on your goddamn social networks! I’m not a cog in your sales machine! I’m a real person with real feelings, not a profile picture to analyze for your own amusement. My status updates say, “Check out our newest eBook!” but read between the lines; what I really mean is, “Check out me, please. I need validation!”

What’s happened to me?

As I look back on a life filled with regret and self-depreciation, the overwhelming burden of my daily tasks seem too much to bear. Thoughts of suicide bring relief; the relief that maybe one day I won’t wake up and immediately check Pinterest for new followers—the relief that there exists a world beyond Twitter; a world with people and flowers and sunlight and trees.

And the relief that I have so many followers on Twitter, when I tweet out my suicide letter it’ll totally get retweeted like, 100 times.

via: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-a-social-media-community-manager

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE


“Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work”

I say this a lot, but this is easily one of my favorite Onion articles….

700

NEW YORK—Local pedestrians told reporters Thursday morning they were unable to discern whether the agitated, uniform-clad woman smoking a cigarette on a city sidewalk was on her way to work at a nearby Walgreens or returning home from a night shift there. “Wow, she’s either just had a really shitty day at work at Walgreens or she knows one is coming,” office worker Kenneth Turner said moments after he passed the bleary-eyed, slump-shouldered woman on a street not far from the 24-hour drugstore. “She looks beaten down and is sighing heavily, but I can’t tell if that’s because she has just stood under fluorescent lights while being berated by angry customers for eight hours straight, or is about to.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the woman had uncontrollably burst into tears, a development that did nothing to shed any light on the situation.

via Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.


Oh is that how I can get boobs finally?

Are you there, God? It’s me, German Soldiers. I’m growing breasts on one side of my body. Let’s rap about that.

According to a report in the Cologne Express link in German, soldiers from Germany’s elite

Wachbataillon military unit have found their bodies changing in ways many of us have not experienced since Girl Scout camp: they’re growing boobs on the left side of their bodies. The condition is called gynecomastia. Doctors believe the condition is developing due to a drill that requires them to slam their rifles into their chests, thereby stimulating unusual hormone production.

In other words, German soldiers are growing man-boobs “Männerbrust” because they can’t stop hitting themselves. Stop hitting yourselves, German soldiers. Stop hitting yourselves. Stop hitting yourselves.

via German Soldiers Are Growing Boobs On One Side of Their Bodies, Oh, Okay.

Ew, don't put this on your baby, please.

Ew, don’t put this on your baby, please.


“Suspect threw murder victim’s arms at witnesses”

arms

A Kirksville man is in jail accused of a gruesome killing.

Paul R. Potter, 49, is accused of hacking off the arms of a person and throwing the appendages at witnesses. Potter is being held on a $1 million cash only bond. A judge said he would have to put up $100,000 cash to be released from jail on charges of second-degree murder, second-degree arson and felony tampering with a motor vehicle.

Adair County Coroner Brian Noe said the victim was a male.

“They were just neighbors,” he said.

Noe said he could not discuss further details until fingerprint and DNA information confirms the identity of the person slain.

Noe said the slaying has upset the community.

“It’s awful,” he said.

via Police: Suspect threw murder victim’s arms at witnesses – KCTV5.


facebook face

Parent Monica Watson reacts to Facebook posts by teacher Tameka Gatewood.

via Tameka Gatewood, Kindergarten Teacher, Suspended For Threatening, Inappropriate Facebook Comments About Students.

FACE. Perfect.

Some of the comments in question?:

“How bout I blasted both of them. The girl in my class hair is nappy almost every day and the boy wears dirty clothes, face nasty and can’t even read. They didn’t bother nobody else when I got through with them.”

“What do you think you’re supposed to do? Bang! Bang! Shoot ’em up dammit! Just kidding!! For real tho – slap their ass back then Bang! Bang! Shoot ’em up dammit.”

How was this person a teacher in the first place?

Also, FACE!


i love you so much that i will burn you to the ground

“It’s a street party – how often do we get a chance to party like this?” Sara Schillings, 24, of Antioch said as she threw an empty Champagne bottle with one hand and drank a beer with the other. “Nobody wants to hurt anybody.”

via S.F. Giants fans delirious with joy – SFGate.

Giants swept the World Series last night and SF Gate had this little gem of a quote before I went to sleep. I just remembered to look up if anything else ridiculous happened and found this: Fans celebrate: 33 arrested, bus torched.

WHYYYYYY

WHYYYYYY

(10-29) 11:57 PDT SAN FRANCISCO — Celebrating Giants fans torched and destroyed a $700,000 Muni bus in downtown San Francisco, creating a spectacular early morning scene, city officials said Monday.

Seriously you guys? Jeez.


worst immune system ever

via It was brave of you to come into work with the flu and give us all the flu | Get Well Ecard | someecards.com.
Ugh totally. This will annoy me until the day I die from some illness a coworker gave me.