MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

McSweeney’s: I’m a Social Media Community Manager!

BY

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I always knew I’d be successful. Yep, just out of college and I’ve got my first job, and what a job it is: I’m a Social Media Community Manager for a B2B SaaS company.

What is a Social Media Community Manager? Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of how hip my job is. I’m responsible for engaging current and prospective customers via social media channels, building a strong community around our brand, analyzing relevant metrics, SEO management—you name it, I do it.

I spend all day on Facebook, writing blogs, chatting up customers, whatever I need to do to ensure maximum ROI for our company; basically playing around on the internet. It’s pretty much every college kid’s dream job so I—oh god, I can’t do this anymore.

What have I become?

It’s too unbearable, I’m sorry. Yesterday I went to sleep and dreamed about inbound-lead generation via LinkedIn. I woke up wallowing in the dark depths of the severe depression that has overtaken my life. I never wanted to be a Social Media Community Manager. I wanted to be a fireman, or a policeman, or anything! I just want to be a real person again.

84% of B2B buyers said word of mouth recommendations are the most important factor in purchasing decisions. Oh god, I can’t stop. I’m sorry. The impersonality of it all!

I wrote a guest post for a high-profile social media blog yesterday. It got 200 shares on Facebook, and yet I felt nothing. Do they like the brand or me? I can’t even tell anymore. My social profiles are so integrated into the fabric of the company that I look in the mirror and all I see is the dashboard of Google Analytics—oh look! Our referral traffic from Facebook is up 30% this month!

No! Stop! I’m not looking for a higher CTR or increased engagement on your goddamn social networks! I’m not a cog in your sales machine! I’m a real person with real feelings, not a profile picture to analyze for your own amusement. My status updates say, “Check out our newest eBook!” but read between the lines; what I really mean is, “Check out me, please. I need validation!”

What’s happened to me?

As I look back on a life filled with regret and self-depreciation, the overwhelming burden of my daily tasks seem too much to bear. Thoughts of suicide bring relief; the relief that maybe one day I won’t wake up and immediately check Pinterest for new followers—the relief that there exists a world beyond Twitter; a world with people and flowers and sunlight and trees.

And the relief that I have so many followers on Twitter, when I tweet out my suicide letter it’ll totally get retweeted like, 100 times.

via: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-a-social-media-community-manager

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE


“God, Pablo, You’re the Worst”

via God, Pablo, You’re the Worst – Funny Facebook Status Messages and Facebook Fails.

As someone who may or may not be in love with Dominoes (shut up), this killed me.

Also, MY Oscar would NEVER drop my pizza. But kudos to Pablo for honesty.