this hurts so good..
bold is mine – brilliance is theirs
SEATTLE—Calling his résumé “exceptional” and “like nothing we’ve ever seen,” the human resources department at local public relations firm Brink & Tiller called 22-year-old job applicant Corey Wilhelm immediately after noticing he had a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Wilhelm’s résumé, which was e-mailed to the firm in regards to an entry-level job opening, was reportedly forwarded to the highest levels of the company, after which executives scrambled to contact the 2012 University of Washington graduate and offer him the position.
“A Bachelor of Arts? In communications? I mean, where did this kid come from?” said HR director Robert Bradshaw, who, after seeing Wilhelm’s impressive 3.20 cumulative GPA, walked the résumé directly into the company president’s office and said, “We must hire this person immediately.” “I mean, not only did Corey manage to get into the University of Washington School of Communication right out of high school, but—get this—he then graduated with a degree in that very field. A Bachelor of Arts, no less. Rare and gifted is all I have to say.”
“Jesus Christ,” Bradshaw continued, “his résumé says he minored in History, too. We really have to move fast if we want to snag this guy.”
According to Bradshaw, Wilhelm’s thorough education in varied subjects such as public speaking and radio broadcasting, compounded with his relatively consistent position on the UW Dean’s List, makes him “one of the best—if not the best—job applicant the company has ever had.”
In addition, Wilhelm’s formidable career experience, which includes two summers working the reception desk at his father’s realty company, a semester-long editorial internship at the luxury magazine Seattle Metropolitan, and two years of involvement with his student newspaper The Daily reportedly blew Bradshaw out of the water.
Impressed and admittedly intimidated company sources went on to confirm that Wilhelm had also completed four years of high school Spanish.
“I don’t know how this is possible, but it says he has experience in Word, Excel, and PowerPoint on both PC and Mac,” said sales developer Brenda Juarez, explaining that she had to do a double take after reading the line in Wilhelm’s cover letter explaining that he had “both professional and personal experience on multiple social media platforms.” “And on top of it all, he’s taken the classes Introduction to Communication, Writing for Mass Media, and Interpersonal Communication. I mean, this guy’s on a different plane altogether.”
“Honestly, he might even be overqualified to work here,” Juarez continued.
According to the firm’s co-founder Vince Tiller, the company is not only willing to offer Wilhelm the entry-level position for which he applied, but literally any job he wants, just so long as he brings his expertise in singing for his college a capella group and doing his bi-monthly radio show “Wilhelm Wednesdays” to the company.
“When you’re dealing with somebody like Corey—somebody with a B.A. in Communications—you have to remember that this is the type of guy who goes out there and takes what he wants,” said Tiller, adding that he’ll never know what it’s like to have the world on its knees like Corey Wilhelm. “Keep in mind, on top of everything he accomplished in school, he somehow found time to perform in the campus theater group.”
“With his skills, it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s coming for my job,” Tiller added.
Sources later confirmed that Brink & Tiller had already presented Wilhelm with an initial offer of $275,000 per year. However, the recent college graduate reportedly made a counter offer of $350,000 plus a $50,000 signing bonus, which company management has said it will excitedly accept.
McSweeney’s: I’m a Social Media Community Manager!– – – –
I always knew I’d be successful. Yep, just out of college and I’ve got my first job, and what a job it is: I’m a Social Media Community Manager for a B2B SaaS company.
What is a Social Media Community Manager? Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of how hip my job is. I’m responsible for engaging current and prospective customers via social media channels, building a strong community around our brand, analyzing relevant metrics, SEO management—you name it, I do it.
I spend all day on Facebook, writing blogs, chatting up customers, whatever I need to do to ensure maximum ROI for our company; basically playing around on the internet. It’s pretty much every college kid’s dream job so I—oh god, I can’t do this anymore.
What have I become?
It’s too unbearable, I’m sorry. Yesterday I went to sleep and dreamed about inbound-lead generation via LinkedIn. I woke up wallowing in the dark depths of the severe depression that has overtaken my life. I never wanted to be a Social Media Community Manager. I wanted to be a fireman, or a policeman, or anything! I just want to be a real person again.
84% of B2B buyers said word of mouth recommendations are the most important factor in purchasing decisions. Oh god, I can’t stop. I’m sorry. The impersonality of it all!
I wrote a guest post for a high-profile social media blog yesterday. It got 200 shares on Facebook, and yet I felt nothing. Do they like the brand or me? I can’t even tell anymore. My social profiles are so integrated into the fabric of the company that I look in the mirror and all I see is the dashboard of Google Analytics—oh look! Our referral traffic from Facebook is up 30% this month!
No! Stop! I’m not looking for a higher CTR or increased engagement on your goddamn social networks! I’m not a cog in your sales machine! I’m a real person with real feelings, not a profile picture to analyze for your own amusement. My status updates say, “Check out our newest eBook!” but read between the lines; what I really mean is, “Check out me, please. I need validation!”
What’s happened to me?
As I look back on a life filled with regret and self-depreciation, the overwhelming burden of my daily tasks seem too much to bear. Thoughts of suicide bring relief; the relief that maybe one day I won’t wake up and immediately check Pinterest for new followers—the relief that there exists a world beyond Twitter; a world with people and flowers and sunlight and trees.
And the relief that I have so many followers on Twitter, when I tweet out my suicide letter it’ll totally get retweeted like, 100 times.
OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE
This change makes sense in the context of Google+ being a network that defaults to a ‘public’ setting, somewhat like Twitter. Anything that you share can be moderated to only appear to a member of the exact circles that you choose, but by default, everyone sees everything.