good day to go sailing..

Become the first person to ever own a t-shirt with a sailboat on it.

via Men’s Good Day To Go Sailing, If You’re a Dick T-Shirt, Funny Sailing Tee, Good Day To Go Sailing, If You’re a Dick Tee at The Onion Store.


could this be the age of..

700.hq

Could This Be The Age Of The Internet?.

LOL @ The Onion, always.


elle-em-en-o-pee

10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet

L

L: Sheesh, somebody tell L that the ’80s are over.

m

m: Talk about ostentatious. Why not just add a third hump, Your Majesty?

k

K: This is fucking ridiculous.

via 10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

 

What letter do YOU think needs to check itself?

WELL FUUUUHCK YOU, F!

WELL FUUUUHCK YOU, F!


Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé – The Onion

this hurts so good..

bold is mine – brilliance is theirs

SEATTLE—Calling his résumé “exceptional” and “like nothing we’ve ever seen,” the human resources department at local public relations firm Brink & Tiller called 22-year-old job applicant Corey Wilhelm immediately after noticing he had a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Wilhelm’s résumé, which was e-mailed to the firm in regards to an entry-level job opening, was reportedly forwarded to the highest levels of the company, after which executives scrambled to contact the 2012 University of Washington graduate and offer him the position.

“A Bachelor of Arts? In communications? I mean, where did this kid come from?” said HR director Robert Bradshaw, who, after seeing Wilhelm’s impressive 3.20 cumulative GPA, walked the résumé directly into the company president’s office and said, “We must hire this person immediately.” “I mean, not only did Corey manage to get into the University of Washington School of Communication right out of high school, but—get this—he then graduated with a degree in that very field. A Bachelor of Arts, no less. Rare and gifted is all I have to say.”

“Jesus Christ,” Bradshaw continued, “his résumé says he minored in History, too. We really have to move fast if we want to snag this guy.”

According to Bradshaw, Wilhelm’s thorough education in varied subjects such as public speaking and radio broadcasting, compounded with his relatively consistent position on the UW Dean’s List, makes him “one of the best—if not the best—job applicant the company has ever had.”

In addition, Wilhelm’s formidable career experience, which includes two summers working the reception desk at his father’s realty company, a semester-long editorial internship at the luxury magazine Seattle Metropolitan, and two years of involvement with his student newspaper The Daily reportedly blew Bradshaw out of the water.

Impressed and admittedly intimidated company sources went on to confirm that Wilhelm had also completed four years of high school Spanish.

“I don’t know how this is possible, but it says he has experience in Word, Excel, and PowerPoint on both PC and Mac,” said sales developer Brenda Juarez, explaining that she had to do a double take after reading the line in Wilhelm’s cover letter explaining that he had “both professional and personal experience on multiple social media platforms.” “And on top of it all, he’s taken the classes Introduction to Communication, Writing for Mass Media, and Interpersonal Communication. I mean, this guy’s on a different plane altogether.

“Honestly, he might even be overqualified to work here,” Juarez continued.

According to the firm’s co-founder Vince Tiller, the company is not only willing to offer Wilhelm the entry-level position for which he applied, but literally any job he wants, just so long as he brings his expertise in singing for his college a capella group and doing his bi-monthly radio show “Wilhelm Wednesdays” to the company.

“When you’re dealing with somebody like Corey—somebody with a B.A. in Communications—you have to remember that this is the type of guy who goes out there and takes what he wants,” said Tiller, adding that he’ll never know what it’s like to have the world on its knees like Corey Wilhelm. “Keep in mind, on top of everything he accomplished in school, he somehow found time to perform in the campus theater group.”

“With his skills, it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s coming for my job,” Tiller added.

Sources later confirmed that Brink & Tiller had already presented Wilhelm with an initial offer of $275,000 per year. However, the recent college graduate reportedly made a counter offer of $350,000 plus a $50,000 signing bonus, which company management has said it will excitedly accept.

via Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.


“Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work”

I say this a lot, but this is easily one of my favorite Onion articles….

700

NEW YORK—Local pedestrians told reporters Thursday morning they were unable to discern whether the agitated, uniform-clad woman smoking a cigarette on a city sidewalk was on her way to work at a nearby Walgreens or returning home from a night shift there. “Wow, she’s either just had a really shitty day at work at Walgreens or she knows one is coming,” office worker Kenneth Turner said moments after he passed the bleary-eyed, slump-shouldered woman on a street not far from the 24-hour drugstore. “She looks beaten down and is sighing heavily, but I can’t tell if that’s because she has just stood under fluorescent lights while being berated by angry customers for eight hours straight, or is about to.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the woman had uncontrollably burst into tears, a development that did nothing to shed any light on the situation.

via Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.


Report: It’s Not Okay To Just Start Talking To People You Don’t Know | The Onion

What-Should-I-DO

RUN!!!!!

STANFORD, CA—Citing how devastatingly uncomfortable it makes people feel, a new report released by the Stanford University Sociology Department revealed Wednesday that it’s never okay to just start talking to someone you don’t know.

The report, which analyzed numerous conversations that took place over a nine-month period from September of last year through May, states that approaching a complete and total stranger and saying “Beautiful day,” “That’s nice, where did you get that?” or “Hello” is, under no circumstance, acceptable.

In fact, the study confirmed that in 0 percent of cases do individuals ever want to be spoken to by someone they don’t know, and that it is “downright wrong” to put people who are just going about their day in the awkward position of having to be polite and feign interest in what you—an unknown intruder, essentially—are saying.

“We found that the only people it’s appropriate to talk to are friends and relatives—no one else,” the study’s lead author, Dr. Simon Gamble, told reporters, adding that dads, senior citizens, and “people who think they’re being friendly but really need to just mind their own business” are typically guilty of trying to relate to unfamiliar people. “Ninety-five percent of the time, the people being talked to experience an extreme spike in anxiety. The only thoughts going through their heads during these unwanted conversations with strangers are ‘Stop talking to me. I don’t know you. Please go away.’”

“If you feel the urge to talk to someone you don’t know, the right thing to do is suppress the impulse and just leave that individual alone,” he continued, adding that cordially smiling at someone you’ve never met is also not okay. “It doesn’t matter if you both happen to be wearing the same T-shirt.”

The report indicates that even in situations in which you might share common circumstances with a stranger—such as when you are both in a long line that doesn’t seem to be moving, or are both experiencing hot, cold, nice, or terrible weather—it is unacceptable to verbally acknowledge that reality. The appropriate thing to do, the report notes, is to face forward and keep silent.

In addition, just because you are sitting next to someone you don’t know on a bus or airplane, that doesn’t give you any right to talk to that person, even if he or she is reading a book you once read. The study goes on to state that talking to an unfamiliar person in a setting where the individual essentially can’t escape the conversation is “one of the cruelest things one human being can do to another human being.”

“Often, the person being talked to will laugh at the other’s jokes,” Gamble said. “This is always fake laughter.”

The study confirmed the following people never want to be spoken to by a stranger: people eating at the same restaurant as you; someone who is wearing a pair of shoes or a hat you like; individuals who are also waiting for the same delayed train; coworkers; a man or woman who is using a laptop you are considering buying for yourself; an individual attending the same sporting event as you; a young person who works at a job you once had years ago; and anyone who has children or pets, especially if you are a person who also has children or pets.

“If you are an outgoing individual who likes striking up conversations with strangers, you are a source of constant discomfort in this world, and have nothing to offer but anxiety and pain,” said Dr. Andrea Malcolm, chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at Brown University. “People don’t care that you once owned the same car or cellular phone as them, or that you loved it. They don’t care about your opinion one way or the other. They just want you to stop making their lives a living hell.”

“To them,” Malcolm continued, “you might as well be a crazy person, because why are you talking to someone you don’t even know?”

According to the report, the people who are living correctly are those who don’t want to step outside their comfort zones and relate to others.

“Your comfort zone is there for a reason,” Gamble said. “It’s so you can stay comfortable. If someone breaches that by saying hello to you, that person is the asshole, not you. Remember that.”

via Report: It’s Not Okay To Just Start Talking To People You Don’t Know | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

I don’t even know how I could like this Onion article that much more. So perfect.

no way is the game as awesome as this image, but whatever

no way is the game as awesome as this image, but whatever


“Wendy’s Wants Consumers To Know It’s Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage” – The Onion

DUBLIN, OH—Responding to Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy’s recent controversial admission of the company’s donations to antigay groups, a statement from competing fast food chain Wendy’s let consumers know Monday that it has long supported same-sex couples and only harbors strong objections to interracial marriage. “It’s important that Wendy’s customers know our restaurant proudly stands by the right of all Americans to marry whomever they choose, so long as it isn’t someone of a different race,” said spokeswoman Jenna Knox, adding that while Wendy’s has always backed pro-gay legislation, it found miscegenation “an abominable offense to God’s will.” “Just like our founder Dave Thomas, we dream of living in an America where two loving people of the same sex can freely wed, provided of course that both people are also of the same race, and that no black, Asian, Latin American, or other non-European heritage is allowed to de-purify the white racial bloodline.” Following the Wendy’s statement, executives from Jack in the Box confirmed that they too had always supported gay rights and the Holocaust never happened.

via Wendy’s Wants Consumers To Know It’s Fine With Gays, Disapproves Of Interracial Marriage | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

The Onion has seriously been so wonderful this last year. A+++ y’all.

I bolded the last line because it made me snort a little.