Twitter / rare_basement: “my only flaw is..”

flaw

via Twitter / rare_basement: my only flaw is i talk literally ….


Florida Man on Twitter

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This Twitter is brilliant. It just scoops up real crime articles that have “Florida Man” present in the title. SO GOOD.

Some choice examples:

Florida Man Traps Ex-Girlfriend’s Mother Into A Fold-Out Couch | http://bit.ly/fJPLwo

Florida Man Threatens Neighbor With Chainsaw He Can’t Start | http://bit.ly/UskBe0

Florida Man Slapped With Warning After Riding Dying Sperm Whale | http://bit.ly/12WT6Pf

High On Synthetic Weed, Florida Man Calls 911 Twice To Report That His Dreams Are Real | http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2012-09-04/news/os-man-calls-911-dreams-drugs-20120904_1_dispatcher-synthetic-marijuana-dream …

all via Florida Man _FloridaMan on Twitter.


MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE

McSweeney’s: I’m a Social Media Community Manager!

BY

– – – –

I always knew I’d be successful. Yep, just out of college and I’ve got my first job, and what a job it is: I’m a Social Media Community Manager for a B2B SaaS company.

What is a Social Media Community Manager? Oh sorry, I didn’t hear you over the sound of how hip my job is. I’m responsible for engaging current and prospective customers via social media channels, building a strong community around our brand, analyzing relevant metrics, SEO management—you name it, I do it.

I spend all day on Facebook, writing blogs, chatting up customers, whatever I need to do to ensure maximum ROI for our company; basically playing around on the internet. It’s pretty much every college kid’s dream job so I—oh god, I can’t do this anymore.

What have I become?

It’s too unbearable, I’m sorry. Yesterday I went to sleep and dreamed about inbound-lead generation via LinkedIn. I woke up wallowing in the dark depths of the severe depression that has overtaken my life. I never wanted to be a Social Media Community Manager. I wanted to be a fireman, or a policeman, or anything! I just want to be a real person again.

84% of B2B buyers said word of mouth recommendations are the most important factor in purchasing decisions. Oh god, I can’t stop. I’m sorry. The impersonality of it all!

I wrote a guest post for a high-profile social media blog yesterday. It got 200 shares on Facebook, and yet I felt nothing. Do they like the brand or me? I can’t even tell anymore. My social profiles are so integrated into the fabric of the company that I look in the mirror and all I see is the dashboard of Google Analytics—oh look! Our referral traffic from Facebook is up 30% this month!

No! Stop! I’m not looking for a higher CTR or increased engagement on your goddamn social networks! I’m not a cog in your sales machine! I’m a real person with real feelings, not a profile picture to analyze for your own amusement. My status updates say, “Check out our newest eBook!” but read between the lines; what I really mean is, “Check out me, please. I need validation!”

What’s happened to me?

As I look back on a life filled with regret and self-depreciation, the overwhelming burden of my daily tasks seem too much to bear. Thoughts of suicide bring relief; the relief that maybe one day I won’t wake up and immediately check Pinterest for new followers—the relief that there exists a world beyond Twitter; a world with people and flowers and sunlight and trees.

And the relief that I have so many followers on Twitter, when I tweet out my suicide letter it’ll totally get retweeted like, 100 times.

via: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-a-social-media-community-manager

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE